I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
