did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
