We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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