i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
