You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
