An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
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He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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