dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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