I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
