My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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