Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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