Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
