The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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