Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
