No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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