it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
