Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
