Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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