My friends, they love my intelligence
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
