Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.