if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
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Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.