And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Damn victory sex feels great
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
