The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
