I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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