and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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