Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
