some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
