Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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