If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
