The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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