And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
