she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
