Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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