I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
