Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I look better un-naked...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
