I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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