are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
