When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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