11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
