Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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