i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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