How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
