Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
