Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
