apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
