Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
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I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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