I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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