am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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