there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
