I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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