How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
