this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
