So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
