It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
