I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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