So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
