Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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