all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
