never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
