are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
