I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
