Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
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is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
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Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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