1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Semen is not good for contacts.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
